Ronald's Pervy Thoughts
by Ms Problematique
Summary: There's something fishy going on with Grell and William, and the Shinigami realm's best up-and-coming detective, Ronald Knox, is here to do some investigating. What madness will happen? Gods of death only know.


Note

I unfortunately don't own Kuroshitsuji or any of the characters in this, bar Derren (who's an OC, go Google Young Walter from Hellsing, he looks like that but with longer hair) and Ronald Knox's pervy thoughts. Kuroshitsuji belongs to its respective owner, Derren belongs to me and I think that's everything. Please note that Poirot is a detective character by Agatha Christie. The funny thing is, I don't think she was Victorian. Oh well! And for the purpose of this fanfiction, they do have some weird military gear that wasn't from back then and Ronald is telling the time in military-speak (e.g. twenty-one hundred hours means nine o'clock in the evening) x3 Enjoy some more fluff! xD

-x-

"There's _got _to be something going on with those two," Ronald Knox muttered as he balanced the binoculars on the end of his nose, one gloved hand twiddling the focus knob on the side. He scrutinised the immaculate door through the lenses, his own goggle-like glasses shoved right up the bridge of his nose. He was alone in the roof space, ceiling tile removed so he could spy down the hallway to the front of William's office, save for a tousle- haired Shinigami sat next to him who was, at that second in time, carefully buttering a small plate of crackers. Ronald continued talking in his low tone, oblivious to the fact that his companion was mainly ignoring him, "There can't not be, he's always in there for such long periods of time." Ronald's eyes sparkled with determination, "I _will_ find out what's going on. The great Ronald Knox, detective of the Shinigami world, the new Poirot! How does that sound, eh, Derren? Derren?" Impatient for a response, Ronald glanced over at his companion and rolled his eyes.

"Hmm?", Derren hadn't been paying particular attention; he had lost interest after the mention of the words 'scandalous' and 'Will T. Spears' in Ronald's initial speech. He was only here so Ron didn't look like too much of an idiot, and so he could take advantage of Ronald's seemingly endless supply of crackers. Derren liked crackers, especially with butter on them. He dragged himself out of his meticulous buttering to reply, "Eh, whatever you say, Ronnie."

'Ronnie' huffed. He didn't liked being called Ronnie, neither did he like being ignored. "You weren't listening, were you."

"Probably not," Derren shrugged nonchalantly, which just irritated Ronald more.

"Well, pay attention, this could get important!" Derren nodded, rolling his eyes the second Ronald turned back to his binoculars. "As I said earlier, there is definitely something fishy about the amount of time a certain Grell Sutcliffe-"

"There's more than one?", Derren snickered.

"Shut up! You know what I mean," Ronald waited until Derren was silent before continuing briskly, "anyway, there definitely _is _something off with the amount of time a certain Grell Sutcliffe," he glared at Derren, who stifled a snort of laughter, as if daring him to comment, "has been spending in a certain Will T. Spears' office. This isn't always unusual, but as of late, my Shinigami senses-", Derren burst out laughing, ducking to narrowly avoid a swipe from Ronald. The black-haired god calmed himself down and allowed the blonde to continue, who did so huffily, "lately, I have observed Grell spending more and more time there than usual. Which only leads me to wonder what exactly is going on in there. It's suspicious to me," he narrowed his eyes and leaned dangerously forward through the gap where he had earlier removed the ceiling tile. Derren eyed this with a mixture of uneasiness and amusement. "It's up to us to find out what's going on down there," Ronald grinned with resolve. "We must-ack!"

"Ronald!", Derren lunged forward but his fingerless-gloved hand missed Ronald's deep blue jacket by inches. Derren winced slightly as Ronald teetered on the ceiling's edge before falling the twelve or so feet to the carpet below, where he landed in a heap of surveillance equipment and blue and black fabric. It was just his luck that William's door opened at that moment and Grell stepped out, his face a little flushed, and stopped with his left heel on the back of Ronald's head.

"Ehm, Ronald," Grell cocked one slim red eyebrow, to look down at Ron. Ronald then made the mistake of looking upwards – up Grell's trouser leg. Derren closed his eyes and bit his lip to stop himself laughing. He could guess what would happen next, and he half wanted to watch, half didn't want to. A resounding shriek and the sound of steel-capped shoes connecting with someone's skull. Namely, Ronald's. Derren cracked open an eye to observe Grell, face now the same colour as his vibrant red locks, boot a startled and thoroughly regretting-his-actions looking Ronald across the room. "RONAAAAALD!," Grell screeched, "HOW _DARE _YOU LOOK UP A LADY'S SKIRT!" Both Derren and Will, who had just appeared at the door, had to duck out of sight to conceal what was probably laughter or, more likely in William's case, sheer embarrassment. Grell continued his tirade, foot back on Ronald's head, except it was his upturned face this time. Ronald was trying hard not to focus on Grell's face, but rather on the heel digging into his forehead.

"I-I didn't me-", he began, about to also point out that Grell was wearing trousers, not a skirt.

"How rude!", Grell talked over him, "It is not correct decorum to even _think_ about a lady's lower regions, except if you are that woman's husband _or_," his eyes slid towards Will, who's face had appeared round the door again, Derren and Ronald locked eyes for a second, "if you are _extremely _close to that woman!" He inhaled, chest puffing out and looking oddly like he was wearing a corset. Ronald wouldn't put it past Grell-sempai. He hid a smirk and scrunched his eyes shut, so Grell wouldn't suspect him. Grell continued, "And I don't mean _beneath, above _or even _beside_ them, Ronald Knox!" With that, he swivelled on his heel, ignoring Ronald's pained '_aackkkk_', to face William. Will straightened his tie and blanked his facial expression. Grell sniffed, pouting slightly as he directed his attention to William, "I'm sorry about that, Will-chan," the supervisor grimaced at the name, "I'll take my leave now. I'll back tomorrow!" And with that, the red-head Shinigami readjusted his clothing and flounced off, leaving them in stunned silence.

"Well," Will surveyed the scene in front of him; Ronald still in his heap and Derren sticking his head out of the ceiling. He closed his eyes, one finger gently pushing his glasses up his nose. "I see... Knox," Ronald looked up, neck craning to look at William's face, "I will be talking to you about this, unless you have a very good reason for this, eh, chaos." Ronald grimaced. "Well, you obviously don't," Will sighed, "I... I actually have nothing to say. " His eyes travelled upwards to where Derren was, who immediately withdrew. Will blinked and sighed again. "Okay, compromise, you two fix the ceiling and I won't tell any of my superiors, kapeesh?" They nodded in unison, Derren's face reappeared tentatively through the gap. "Kapeesh. Now, I am going to go back into my office, close the door and do every form in my in-tray. When I come out in, say, two hours to walk to the bakery," Ronald gave Derren a look that clearly read '_he goes to the bakery?!_' and Derren just shrugged back, "I want this mess tidied up." As soon as that was said, Will stepped back into his office and closed the door.

Once he was gone, both remaining Shinigamis breathed a sigh of relief. Ronald rolled onto his back and painfully scrubbed at his face, where the heel marks were still evident. Derren dropped down beside him, with the untouched plate of crackers. He offered them.

"Eh, crackers, Ronald?" Ron just rolled his eyes.

---

"The time is twenty-one hundred hours and white goat is positioned outside the black dragon's lair," Ronald spoke into the transmitter, night-vision goggles shoved up his nose over his own glasses. "White goat to black dog, white goat to black do-"

"Is this really necessary, Ronald?", Derren's voice cut in through Ronald's ramble, the signal crackling painfully in the blonde Shinigami's eyes.

"Shhhh!", Ronald hissed, "Don't you my name! Call me white goat, remember?" Derren sighed, resigning himself to a fate of using that stupid name. He just hoped Ronald wouldn't insist on the names elsewhere.

"Okay, whatever, _white goat_, what's the situation down that end?"

"Well," Ronald's voice was almost too enthusiastic, "at nineteen hundred hours, the red cat entered the black dragon's lair and hasn't been seen since. That was two hours again," Ron almost couldn't contain the excitement. "Black dog, I'm going in. Cover me." From his position sitting on top of the coffee machine a corridor away, Derren merely rolled his eyes and whistled twice; the prearranged signal that signified his agreement. From his position near Will's office door, Ronald grinned and whispered into the transmitter, "Wish me luck, black dog! This could be our lucky day!" He edged forward towards the door, suddenly contemplating what he had meant by 'lucky day'. _Oh well, too late to take it back_! He crept up to the door handle and inspected the front of the entrance. To his annoyance and dismay, there was no keyhole. Obviously Will either didn't lock his office, or there was a bolt on the inside. _Probably the latter_, thought Ronald as he was forced to press his ear against the door at about waist height. He grinned, he could hear them.

".... but Will-chaaan...."

".... you've been here for _two hours_, Sutcliffe, I-I'm not giving you what you want...."

".... Will, you know you want to..."

"..... as I said before, Sutcliffe, don't make me come over there...."

".... but Will, co-"

And then it abruptly cut off. Ronald pressed closer to the door, but he couldn't hear anything. It was damn frustrating, and, try as he might, he just couldn't hear anything, _anything_, at all. Ronald teetered on the brink of the idea of opening the door, but decided against it at the last minute. Probably a good thing. After about five minutes of silence, he straightened up and leant against the wall. That was the no-so good thing because, half a minute later, the door swung open and roughly shoved Ronald back into the wall. There was a small _crunch_ as Ron's nose was forced out of joint. Grell stepped through the door, but from his squished position, Ronald could see nothing. He tried to manoeuvre out of the tiny space between wall and door, but it appeared Grell was leaning on it. Not that the red-haired Shinigami weighed very much, so maybe someone was leaning on him...? Ronald scrabbled to find out, but suddenly froze as he heard Will's voice. _This better be good, Mr Spears_...

"Look, Grell, you've been coming here for the last month," Will's voice was strained slightly. If Ronald had been a dog, his ears would have been stood up straight, quivering. "And the answer is still no-"

"Oh, come now, Will," Grell giggled slightly, "You know you enjoyed it really."

"No! I most certainly did not. Now, go get some clean clothes on and get out of my sight," William's voice was almost a snarl as Grell huffed mockingly and slid under his arm, and off down the corridor, holding the same box he had had when entering. Ronald squirmed to see round the door, but failed miserably. Finally, William shut the door and Ronald fell forward onto the carpet. Derren crept round the corner, checking the coast was clear, and stopped just in front of Ronald's head.

"Uh, I'm not going to say anything."

---

And then, nothing. Nothing happened for a week. Every single day Ronald and Derren staked out William's office, but Grell never ventured near. Except for once, when Will opened the door, accepted the form and shut it again. It made no sense to Ron; he was so sure something was going on! Well, the only way to find out for sure was ask one of them. He knew that William would either just ignore him or give him a condescending look and ask him if he wanted demoting. Or, he would simply say that nothing was going on at all, Grell was just failing to meet expectations as a Shinigami at present. So that only left Grell himself. But where to find the red-haired Shinigami? Ronald searched everywhere, but on the second Tuesday after the last meeting he struck lucky in one of the small cafes dotted around the Shinigami realm. Ronald was just passing by when a flash of crimson and a pair of absentminded eyes caught his attention. This was his chance! Ronald swooped down of Grell, who had just been minding his own business.

"Hmm? What do you want, Ronald?" Ronald grinned.

"What have you been doing with Will in his office for that last month or so?" The response was not one he expected. Not in the least. Grell merely shrugged.

"I was going to enter a baking contest in the human realm, that Sebas-chan's attending and Will offered to tutor me!," he smiled innocently. Then his face fell slightly. "Only it wasn't going too well, so Will cut it off before I, ahem, poisoned him." Ronald cocked an eyebrow.

"You're lying, I know it," he declared. Grell grinned poisonously.

"Lying through my teeth."


End file.
